That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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