Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
