My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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