if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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