I cockslap morals
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
