so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
