he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
