We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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