It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
