It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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