Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
