Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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