Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I love you.
Bad choice
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
