went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
