If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
