I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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