There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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