Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
