I feel like abortions should bother me more
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My bed smells like the plague
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
