I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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