I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
