just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
