How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize