Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize