i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?