I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
