I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Randomize
