im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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