All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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