they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
