oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
