News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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