dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
