Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
