when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
