My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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