I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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