so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
