I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
