my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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