I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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