Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship