Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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