On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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