I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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