Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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