I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
