My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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