I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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