Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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