I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to make out with him forever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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