How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't notice because vodka
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Come share oat with me in your robe
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
