woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
