I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
