On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
