no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
