When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
