i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
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