allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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