How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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