Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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